Damn X

Well my X called me this morning. Told me she's quitting her job. Does not have enough money for rent, and no money for food. And can't afford diapers for my son. And said she has over a $1,000 doctor bill for her son, and can't make ends meet... I felt so horrible and bad, I was willing to drop everything, give up all my stuff, get a bus ticket back and send her what was left of my check.
Then I talked to the one special person in my life right now, and she didn't really say much, but as I told her about it. I realized how really stupid it sounded. Giving up everything I have just accomplished, just to be with someone who hates me so much. So I saved myself from that upset. I am going to send my friend some money so that he can go get her some gift cards from like Albertsons. So she can have some food. But I refuse to do anything more for her. She will have to learn to do things on her own now. And live to understand what she lost.
Ya, I'm not ready to give up yet. I have yet to be beaten. She's the one losing here. And all this will help later in court too. Show that she is a very incompetent mother who can not manage 3 kids.
So it's her loss, and her problem now.
Do I sound fucked up at all?

Not a good night.

Man was my day horrid! I was unable to get a hold of my X to see how my son is doing. Work was incredibly stressful, And we were over on hours at work tonight by 2.5 hours!
Since I am closing I am doing clean up and restock on everything. We had no one there that knew how to clean half the stuff that is there. So we had to wait for someone to come in and clean the machines, so we could only clean some small areas. Man let me tell you my ingrown is killing me!! My knees hurt, and I think my back ran away from me, and left me for dead. And man the store manager is tossing a fucking bitch salad let me tell ya! The buffoon can not for nothing schedule his left nuts congregation with his right nut for shit, let alone a fucking work schedule!
Everyone that has any damn experience cleaning half this shit has been assign to the fucking day crew. What kinda shit is that? Man this guy does not need to be a damn manager I swear!
I am currently looking for another job, I can not handle the fucking incompetence in this fucking work place.
We were also so fucking behind on orders and ran outta freakin roast beef because that damn morning crew did not set any up in the cooker. And there was no ham portions or Sirloin steak portions made up so we ran outta those too. Was just a horrible day all over.
I really hated life today...
But on a plus side, we had a beautiful lightning storm. So that made me feel better. I love lightning storms!
So I think I am done for tonight. Going to sit here and drink my Crown Royal.
God I hate incompetent managers so fucking much.....

My life's decision.....

Ok I talked to my ex this morning... We were talking about her getting a new job and all, and her needing someone to help take care of the kids. Then the discussion came up about me moving back with her... Man was my head all fucked up today. Totally screwed my day up. I really had to think about that one. I really, really wanted to go back, but then something hit me. It's not her I want anymore.
There is this very, very special person in my life that I was just not seeing.. I had my blinders on and refused to see what was really there. It turns out that I am really more in love with this person then I am with my X.
I admitted my feelings to her and told her all about how I really felt. I could not put all my feelings into words for it kind of scared me when I was telling her all this. It felt so weird to let me emotions and feelings out with her. I really don't know how to explain it, I just know that it was one of the most wonderful feelings in the world to just let it out. I didn't even know I really cared this much. To be honest I'm still pretty confused right now about this whole thing.
When I told her, she was absolutely speechless about the whole thing. She had to hang up with me and go and get some cigarettes just to calm down. I'm kind of worried I might have scared her, and pushed her away a little bit.
Look at me ramble on here about all this like some little school girl....
If it wasn't for her, and my feelings towards her, I think I would have made one of the worse decisions in my life. Just think.... If I didn't accept the way I really felt about her.... I could be on my way back to that hell hole I was in before fooling myself, thinking things would work out with us. I have forgiven my X for everything she has done to me. But I don't think I can ever feel for her the way I feel for this girl.
I am righting about this right now because I am really confused and I need to get this out of my system so I can look at it from the outside and see that what I am saying is really the truth. As I right this out I can feel deep down that I really feel the way that I am saying in this. And I pray that she can come out here and be with me really soon.
I know that this is the right choice for me. I am tired of looking for someone who really cares about me, when the person who really does has been staring me in the face this whole time through.
Man, I'm going in circles here. I'm all full of feelings I never really expected to feel. I feel so alive right now. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I really truly feel she is the right person for me. I know deep down that this is NOT a rebound situation. I swore to my self that no matter what decision I make. I was jumping in with both feet. And this is really what I want. I want to be with someone who cares for me for who I am. Not just some low life who will watch their kids for them.
I know she is right for me. And I don't care what anyone else thinks or has to say about it.
I have made up my mind. And I'm sticking to it. I have never went back on a decision, or given up on anything. And like I said before, I will NOT give up this time either.
I just really pray that she feels the same way, and that I don't scare her off with my feelings.

Apologies

I made my amends and no one was upset about none of it. And it all got worked out. Worked my ass off today and I'm sore as all hell right now, but I don't have to be to work till 5 pm tomorrow, so I have plenty of time to get some rest in. Thank god!

Um... Oops......?

I think I ticked a few people off at work today......
I worked from 5 - to 11 tonight and offered to work until closing to help out. Then the regular closing crew talked my manager into making me do the large slicer.... Now I do not like blades, and the slicer still intimidates me. And I told my manager that I was not ready to tackle it yet. Well no matter what I said, it was nothing doing. So I told him I am going to clock out at 11 when I should and just go home, since I have to work in the morning anyway. They weren't to happy about it. So I'm not sure I'm going to be there long, or getting any advancements.... God I still hope Walmart calls me. I need to really learn to watch my attitude and my tongue....

Uncomfortable....

Well some talk is going around the work place that I might be going for manager training soon at Arby's.... Hell I only been there for 2 damn days.... What kinda crap is that? I know I ain't doing that well there.... But hey, it puts me in league for a raise... I already get paid more there then anyone else on "Crew."
Every one else there that are just "Crew" gets 5.70. I'm pulling 6.75... Nothing to brag about I know... But some of the people there ain't to happy about it. So I'm kinda Uncomfortable at work right now.
I worked 5 pm to 1:30 am today.. Tomorrow is the same. Then Monday is 10 am to 5 pm. Then Tuesday through Thursday is 5 pm to 1 am. Off Friday and Sunday and I work 5 pm to 1 am Saturday.. So it looks like they are going to have me doing closing shifts now instead of morning.... Kinda bummed out about that. I won't really have much time to go out and meet people. But oh well, it might be a good thing for me. We will see.

First Day

First day at work and they had me on the hardest part of the line. I was so damn tired when I got home, that I fell asleep watching Matrix Revolutions. Was kinda bummed to, I really wanted to see it.
Work is pretty good. So far the people I work with are pretty cool, and pretty out going and funny too. I think I might like it there. Only time will tell.
I think they want me to take manager training soon, so we will see about that one. I'm still waiting for Walmart to call me back on my next interview. Getting kinda edgy about that one right now. I really want that position.

Work

So I just went to another job interview.... And I now work at Arby's.... Yay me? Not to sure yet.... I start tomorrow at 10 AM till 6PM.... Would rather work at Walmart though.... Oh well... Life goes on I guess.

Black Sabbath Said It Best

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me occupy my brain?
Oh yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I cannot feel and love to me us so unreal

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life I wish I could but it's too late

"Sigh"

Ok so... I had a job interview today with Walmart.... It went pretty well, till I found out they do a full background check. Apparently they can access certain old records in CA that CA says are sealed away.... So now I have to pay a Lawyer like $500 to get it properly Expunged. Can things get any freaking harder for me to get a new start on life or what? I think the whole legal system is a bunch of pure crap. People should be given a second chance at life no questions asked, under certain circumstances. Especially like me.... I just want to get on my feet and start my life over again. I'm 26 years old and I'm not getting any damn younger right now. Something has really got to happen, something somewhere has got to let loose already!
I mean come one! Haven't I been through enough already or what!?
God please... Just give me a break would you!?

Tired

Went and walked the town yesterday looking for work, everything around is pretty far off, so it was a pretty damn long walk.
Stopped off at a few mills around here and a printing shop. Also trying to new Arby's in town...... So far I have not gotten any definates.....
I'm starting to hate this damn waiting game.
Talked to the X yesterday. She still wants nothing to do with me, and wont tell me how my sons doing. So as soon as I can get the money, I'm taking her to court over this horse crap. My son don't need to be around her crap, and her other kids. All they do is hit him and throw things at him.
Man I need to get a job really soon.... Tired of my son being in the position he's in right now. It's really killing me at this point. I lay awake at night crying, wondering if he's ok. If he has enough food, if she's treating him good. Wish there was a way for me to find out.

Sad...

My fathers day was absolutely horrible. Really ate me up inside. No one emailed me, messaged me or even called me and wished me happy fathers day. Could not get a hold of my X either and talk to my son.... I didn't wanna right about it yesterday because it hurt to much..... But it does kinda feel like no one out there truly cares. It still hurts writing this, but I need and must get this off my chest before I explode. So there you have it. I think people are evil.

Java blows

I could not play games with Gemini last night as the Java on this machine refuses to work for anything in the world. So that was really depressing. I'm doing everything I can to get this system up and running right. I think when I get all my stuff here, I will just install windblows XP in it and get it over and done with.
Nothing really happened today worth writing about. Or I will fill in the blanks for today, but it was pretty quiet and boring most the day. Met a girl I would have liked to get to know. But my lame self can not talk to girls for nothing in the world, so I guess I am just stuck for awhile till I find out where everything's at around here, and go out and meet some people.
Well back to working on this machine and seeing if I can get things working the way they are suppose too.... Yah right..

I'm back

I made it into town Saturday around 9PM central time.
I met some really cool people on the way here from Phoenix, AZ. Had a semi decent time, Laughed a lot and did a lot of talking. There was one girl in particular who I enjoyed spending time with. She listened to all my problems, and told me hers. We sat together the first 30 hours of the ride. She slept in my lap and shared her music with me. Even gave me a cool key chain that says, "One must do something, in order to be something." That said a lot to me, and really pulled a string in my heart. I was kind of depressed when she got off though.
The greyhound bus system really needs some serious work! I got on the bus in Phoenix, then they made us unload and change busses because the AC was shot. So when we left in the new bus, the driver takes a wrong turn, and we got a free tour of the local Air Port..... What a moron.... We ended up being about 3 hours off schedule. We went to Joplin Missouri with out to much problem, and that's when the girl I was talking to left, was a real bummer for me.
We went on a few more hours into Springfield Missouri, where we were suppose to get a new bus driver. It took them over 2 hours to find the drivers.... So now we're over 6 hours behind..... Sheesh!
I met another girl here who was from Canada. She was incredibly cool, she liked most all the things I liked and was a lot of fun to talk to. She got off a few hours later though in Chicago, IL. I ended up pretty much sleeping the rest of the way into town outta sheer boredom. When I finally got into town (6 hours after I was supposed to be here) my friend took me into Arby's. Man that totally made up for all of it let me tell you! I put away 2 of their large sandwiches. YUM!
And so now here I am. Sitting here in Neenah, WI freezing my arse off....
Gonna go play a game with Gemini for a little while.

Farewell for a little while

I am off to get the bus outta here. I will come back on here once I get to where I am going and let everyone know I am ok. Thanks for the help and support everyone. See ya soon.

Mind Boggle

I was feeling depressed last night, and played some pogo till early this morning.
While I was playing Lottso! the discussion was about cats. I met this really sweet lady named Geminichameleon. We talked about what was going on in my life. I showed her my blog, to better inform her of my deepest issues.
We talked the whole night out, and she listened so well and was SO understanding. I had so much fun talking with her and playing canasta, made me forget about everything that was wrong. She's smart, understanding, sweet, kind, open minded, and incredibly just an all around great person. She even wanted to drive out here to pick up my cat all the way from Denver, CO. Which I am guessing now has to go to the pound.
I so wanted to meet with her, but there was no way to get a bus from here to Denver, then to Neenah, WI. Which was really depressing to me, cause she seems SO awesome. And I want to thank her in person for that night. She did so much to make me feel so much better. But alas, I could not do it with out buying 2 tickets. And I have NO money to do that with. Man I wish I did though. Even if it was a quick hello. I owe this person more then she could think. And I have no way to show this to her.
I do hope her and I get to be good friends, she's the kind of person I need in my life. And I think she would be a very good friend to have around.
I'm really tired right now, had a long day getting packages sent off to WI. 3 big boxes at that. A TV at 125 lbs, Monitor at 95 lbs and a PC at 90 lbs. Cost $200 to ship it out there, my buddy that I'm moving in with payed the tab. He also purchased my ticket today which was over $160 to get me out there.
In a world with friends like these, I know I can get through all this. And I am glad they are there for me. It's just going to take some time and healing.
I want to say much more about Gemini, but I am to tired to think straight at the moment. So I am going to go to bed now.
G'Night every one.

My look at this all...

I talked to a friend today who is really good about giving it to me straight. I told her about all the things my X said were my issues, and that I never support her or listen to her. Then I told my friend about all the times when things would happen and everything I did on my side.
Yes I admit I am a very confrontational asshole. But from everything I told her. I do not think I was at fault in all this. I think she just wanted me gone because she's a bitch that wants to do what ever she wants in life and sleep with any person she wants. And my friend totally agrees.
One incident was when she got her new job. We didn't have any money or food in the house. And the only thing she thought about was herself. Not me or the 3 kids. She took her credit card and went and rented a car for the week, so we went all week scrounging for what ever food we could. I kept my mouth shut, she said she needed it to get back and forth to work and get the kids to daycare. The next week comes, still no money or food. She has no car now either. So I asked a few friends if they would help her get to work, they said fine. She chewed me out for doing that. So she gets an emergency loan on the credit card and rents the car for another week! Remember no food in the house! I told her I could take the kids to daycare, she should use the money to get food instead. But no, once again I was dumb and wrong. I think this show how really selfish she really was.
So someone please tell me something... Why is it I feel like I'm the bad guy here, and this is all my fault? Why does it I hurt so bad? Why Must We Pay?!

Not good...

I woke up this afternoon (had a really long sleep since I have not slept in 4 days either) and went in the bathroom. I looked at my self in the mirror...... I have lost so much weight over the weekend it's scary. I use to have a slight belly, now i just have a flat spot. You know it's scary how someone can do this to you, and get enjoyment out of it.
I think I am just going to go to my friends house, and just lay low for some time. Get my head together and find out what i really want, before I open myself again.

Yay

Pizza made it.... I feel really bad though... I had to sign his name on the receipt because they don't have some kinda special thing where you can order pizza for other people.... They really should add that. I had Pizza Hut stuff crust mushroom pizza. Stomach is still too unsettled for anything heavier then that at the moment... I ate a whole whoppin 2 pieces..............

Well....

Ok so I was wrong......
It's the calling card that he used that came up with a local number. And I miss interpreted the voice mail... Sorry I totally jumped the gun there.
I went down to her house to talk with her. We talked for a good 5 1/2 hours.. And no my kid wasn't there, and I couldn't go pick him up. But we talked.... Well I talked. Got everything out in the open. Totally took my heart out and handed it to her - yes I still love her... I know I'm totally insane...... She basically cut it in half, crumpled it up, and tossed it around like it was a fucking ping pong ball.
I am still not sure what I did wrong to deserve such ill treatment.... But some how I feel really deeply that some how some way, I'm to blame here.
She does not want nothing to do with me in any way, and wants me to go to the court house and just GIVE her custody of my son........ What kinda fucking bull shit is that? It's bad enough I feel like shit for turning my back on the family as it is.... Why the hell would I do something like that? Do I totally have stupid written all over my face?
Heh... I'm just going on and on here about absolutely nothing.... So all in all, she basically told me to go get fucked. And it tore me up. It's so hard to turn my back on 5 years of my life. But I am moving out to Neenah WI to live with a friend until I can get on my feet and get enough money to fight for my son.
My friend in WI just ordered me a pizza too. Said he's kinda freakin out that I haven't eaten. Not sure if I can get it though, since I don't have his credit card here...... But I'm sure there is a way it can be done. I think I can finally sit down and eat something now. I seem to feel a little better knowing that I was the better person here, and went to see what can be done to save everything.... Most people call that being a pansy..... But it took me a lot to suck up my pride and go do it. Now that I know there is no way to get anywhere with that woman, I do kinda feel a little better..... And I'm hungry for once! So off I go to see if I can get this pizza. (For the record.... I hate pizza.)
Oh and on a side note. Thanks for understanding those of you who have made a comment on these. Most people would look at all this and just say, "He's just saying this for attention and because he's mad." "He just wants people to feel sorry for him."
But you have seen passed that, and can understand what I'm going through on some level I'm sure. To be honest, it surprised me when I actually had people reading this stuff. Thank you ever so much!
~Paul UB

Day 4

4 days have gone by... I haven't eaten a single thing... Not good.
I got a very disturbing call this morning.... Turns out one of my close friends from California is coming into town to live with her. Hence the reason she kicked me out of the house.
Talked to a lawyer today, chances look good that I may get my kid. But as long as I am living here, I am going to have trouble getting work, and getting on my feet. Lawyer says that the courts will not frown on me if I leave state and file for my kid. As long as i make it noted that I am willing to move back here to the state of Arizona. I would file the papers now, because of what she is putting my kid through, but, heh, i am negative $200 in the bank and counting. Don't have the money to file for nothing.
Right now all i know is that i really really wanna see my son more then anything in the world. And kick the shit outta my so called friend.
Man this is all just pure shit. Why do people have to do this kinda shit to people man. Do they enjoy making other peoples lives misserable? Is it something that gets them off? Pleasure from kicking a man when he's down to his lowest? There has to be some kinda reason here I'm sure.
Well I'm going to go curl up and suffer some more while all this shit goes through my head. Maybe one day I will be able to sit down and eat.... Or maybe I will just pass out and forget everything. You never know......

Friends

Friend called me today to see how I was taking things. This is the first she heard of the whole thing on this..... She made me make so many promises about my son.... And me getting a new life and moving on and taking my kid back.
We talked about so much stuff, and how much she cared and worried about me all the time. We talked for well over 3 hours easy. Wasn't about anything in particular... Just random thoughts and ideas. She wants so bad for me to come live with her so she can help me get my life straight and get my son back.
Her timing could not have been better. She caught me when I was thinking about my Son, and how he chases my cats around the house... And how my ex would sit in my lap and we would talk about dumb shit...... And I was trying to figure out how she could through 5 years away for all the dumb shit she is doing now....
My friend - Plummy is her name - Listened to all of this and then helped me forget for just one night that everything was so wrong. She did so well on making me laugh, smile, cry, and just have a good time. I am really looking forward to finally meeting her sometime. I think we would have a lot of fun together.
She may not be the most gorgeous person on the outside - but hey who's looking right? She is the most Beautiful wonderful most awesome person on the inside. She has this way of making you feel like everything is going to be ok. I was really surprised that she had me smiling and laughing like she did. She got me feeling really good about myself... And I really love her for that. It's been so long since anyone could do that to me..... Just wish there wasn't so much distance between us. I think things could really work out for the better with her. But first we need to see about getting her to move away from New Jersey.... She's paying like $800 Rent on a small apartment there.... It's totally insane.
Well we will see what comes of it all.... One day. I'm sure.

Hello

Hi,
This is my first blog ever so I am not really sure what I am doing.... So I will try my best.
I am the master at type blunders so I am sure my grammar and spelling is going to be pure pooppiness.
I was read some stuff from a local guy in my area about his divorce and it kinda pained me to see what the poor guy is going through in his life. I figured maybe this helps him cope a little. So I figured, "What the hell, it couldn't hurt to try it out for myself."
I recently lost my son to a mother who can not take care of herself let alone her other 2 kids. I'm not sure what the hell she thinks she can do with mine.......
For some stupid ass reason here in the state of Arizona, un-wed fathers have no rights over their kids, and have to go through a long drawn out losing battle with the court systems.
My issue here is the fact that she has had no food in the house for over a week now, and the kids have no clean clothes. They sit in a daycare all day long, where they treat the kids like objects, and don't always change diapers.
Oh... My sons almost 3 years old by the way.
My other issue is the fact that she constantly is taking my son into the neighbors house (who she cheated on me with) who smokes his pot, does his meth, and his shrooms right in front of my kids. Of course none of this helps my case any... But it sure does rip me up inside seeing this happening and I can't put a stop to it myself....... And no one is listening to my complaints on this.
She has no money, and barely even has a job.
She's been passing herself around to 3 of the neighbors right downstairs from my old apartment. They seem to enjoy pulling a chain on her.... You know it tears me up inside to know she is doing this to her self and putting my kid and her other 2 through all this......
I'm not sure what I am going to do yet.... But I will keep it posted on here as time goes.... I am not yet done fighting... And I will never quit.